When did the BDSM excitement come into your life?
D: Sometimes in my twenties. I was looking for where I belong to, what I enjoy, I don't enjoy, I get excited about. From the beginning, I tried various practices such as bondage, whips, scourges, or canes on myself. After some time, I met people who felt the same way. For me, BDSM is about the relationship of submissive and dominant. It's not primarily about sex. Sex is the icing on the cake. For subs, for example, it is the greatest pleasure to be allowed to have an orgasm.
S: BDSM was something that had attracted me for a long time and I was looking for more information and inspiration on the internet. I've been thinking about what I want to try or do differently in sex. I came across the BDSM community site. I registered and found out that there are well-moderated forums about many topics. People there seemed to be normal and reasonable. So I post an invitation to a local group for a beer. Only David came, we caught each other's eye and since then he has been teaching me how to be a good, well-mannered girl.
Was it obvious from the beginning which role is yours?
D: Originally I was submissive and tried different practices in this role. But after one experience, I switched into the Dom role. Overall, it was related to the changes I was going through in my personal life. As a Dom, I benefit from that experience now. I know how and what the submissive object feels. and I like the fact that I can enjoy the whole situation more because I can empathize far more with him/her.
S: I'm submissive. David wouldn't let me do anything else (laughs). But for me, it is not possible to practice BDSM in a partner relationship all the time.
This brings me to the question of whether it is difficult for you to switch from your roles during BDSM games back to a normal relationship. How do dominance and submissiveness influence your relationship?
S: Some couples keep their roles 24/7, which means anytime, but we have it more like a game we try to find time for and which we enjoy.
D: We live a normal life. We enjoy these practices only on an intimate level.
S: We can also argue (laughs).
D: Our normal relationship works on a balanced partnership level. We agree on everything. On the contrary, I feel that our relationship is more open. We talk more about our feelings and needs.
S: Other couples make love after an argument, I get spanked and we're both happy (laughs).
Do you practice BDSM outside the relationship? Do you go to clubs, to events?
D: Yes, I also organize playing events myself. When we go somewhere, we go there as a couple, so that there is no reason to be jealous. Our relationship is based on sincerity. I'm not interested in playing with someone else secretly. We mainly draw inspiration from group events.
S: It's just fun for us.
Most people who have experienced BDSM excitement consider so-called vanilla sex to be boring. Do you share their opinion?
D: Yes. When you "play", you have far more intense experiences. It's like you say, classic sex might be a bit boring. But that doesn't mean we don't have it. When we are alone, our games usually end with sex.
S: It is linked with intense emotions. For me, our entire relationship is much more intense thanks to BDSM.
D: For me, it's also mainly about emotions. I experience the most intense feelings with my partner, especially Sabina. But some people don't have it the same way. They saw the movie Fifty Shades of Gray, they go and spank a girl from the ad and consider themselves the dominant king. I don't agree with that.
The majority of society is still disapproving of the BDSM community. In addition to the distorted media image, there may also be a fear of intimacy, closeness, deep partnership in today's depersonalized individualist age.
D: Maybe. For me, as Dominant, the whole game is far more complicated than for a sub, who just turns off her/his head and does what Dominant tells her/him to do. The dominant must guard the emotions, the physical security of the sub, and her/his boundaries, both physical and mental. If you experienced a bad experience with an amateur, it can hurt you for a very long time.
S: For me, it's mostly a relaxation. During the play, I focus on my body, how to handle the situation and tasks. I clear my head, that's why I do it. After the action, I feel like right after psychotherapy or a refreshing shower.
D: It's a form of therapy. Man develops, their psyche adjusts. That's what happened to me. Thanks to BDSM, a good, well behaved son has become a confident man who can assert his opinions and follow his dream. I can use my strength, but I still have the emotions and perceptions of others. It is an advantage for my working life too. I'm far more empathetic. It helped me a lot, but it was almost twenty years of development.
Did it happen to you that some practice was already across the line?
D: Sure, but that's why we use a safeword which a sub can use at any time. It's happened to us twice in the past, but that's normal. It is important that the Dominant responds to the safeword immediately and is careful that this does not happen again.
S: Sometimes it's hard to get to know the limit when to say stop. As a sub, I solve what I can still handle because if I say stop, the whole game ends.
Do your friends, colleagues, family know about your hobby?
D: We don't hide it at all. We have a lot of friends from the BDSM community, where we perform under nicknames, but we do not connect it with personal life. At my work, my colleagues know and they are cool. Of course, I don't go there with a whip (laughs). I'm not bothering my mom with that, she probably wouldn't understand. She still sees me as the good boy who is used to obey. It's similar to you don't brag about having anal sex to others. We don't proactively share it, but when someone asks, we don't hide it.
S: A lot of people don't understand it and it has to do with the fact that people who practice BDSM are perverted, they hurt each other, and so on. For these people, even if they want to try it, it's just taboo. But thanks to Fifty Shades of Gray, the situation has changed a lot and a lot of young people in their thirties have come to our community to try it. When someone asks me, I have no problem saying that. My friends know, but I wouldn't tell my mom either.
As I listen to you, it's a lot about the mental level for you, rather than the pain. I don't find the media image at all.
S: For me, it's definitely about the psyche. As a sub, you have to watch well who you go with so that he/she doesn't hurt you and causes the psychological traumas, which do not disappear as quickly as the physical ones.
D: But there are subs and Doms, who only like physical pain. What happens in your body in a submissive role, all those hormones like adrenaline or endorphins, those intense emotions - that's why people do it. But then there are long-term questions and they are about a relationship. About the fact that you don't have different submissives every week and you have it linked to that relationship. Then the relationship is far more intense and sincere. Anyone can spank someone. In this way, people correct their egos and still brag about it. But that's not what it's all about. For me, the real BDSM is about a relationship between two partners, even though someone may have more submissives. We also sometimes play with other people.
David, you've been in the BDSM community for twenty years. Can you describe how it changed during that time?
D: Twenty years ago, this conversation wouldn't have been possible at all, because you just wouldn't get in contact with this community. Nowadays, it is more open, people share information on the Internet and communicate with applications. Previously, it was the only platform on lide.cz. There were a few dozen active people who met and it was not easy to get among them. Now you go to the BDSM club, where there is often free entry, you can take courses, parties are held there. I like to meet new people and I like to talk about these topics. The workshops organized here are professional because people know what BDSM is really about. But many dominant prostitutes often know nothing about hygiene, health risks, or safety.
You use bondage a lot. Is tying dangerous?
D: If you know what you're doing, it is not. As with all other toys. Although it has recently happened to us that we had to cut the ropes. But I was ready and I knew what to do.
I feel you are fine...
S: We have a clear head (laughs).
David, I know you've had experience with professional Mistresses. What kind?
D: Unfortunately, more or less negative experiences. I tried several of them during the period when I felt submissive. The turning point came when I arrived as a client to a professional Mistress, she first talked to me for about ten minutes about what I wanted to do as a submissive, and then the rest of the time she did what I wanted her to do as a Dominant (laughs). I came across only one Mistress, who is dominant and knows something about BDSM. She works on a professional level and I wouldn't be afraid to arrange a meeting with her. But she doesn't provide sex at all.
What advice would you give to a person who is attracted to BDSM? Where and how should he/she start?
D: He/she should study a lot first, look for information. It's nice to go to a workshop, read discussion forums. I recommend not paying someone who will only make you a theater or worse, spoil your feeling of BDSM forever, and discourage you.
S: There are courses for beginners, this is a very nice way to start. Everyone likes something different. It doesn't have to be just about pain. Some people like, for example, only mental humiliation or submissiveness. If you already have to pay someone, I recommend checking his/her references.
Thank you both very much for the interview.